it is only when I have not got access to it, that I realise how much I rely on it

Isn’t it great when technology lets you down. I’ve been without my laptop for a week and it is only when I have not got access to it, that I realise how much I rely on it.

A lot has happened since Wednesday. A chance to play with text as sound, an impro workshop with Cartoon de Salvo, and a clowning workshop with Jon Davidson. In which ever environment I was in, I was very conscious of the fact that I was being watched by others and it created an irrational fear. I perform and enjoy doing so. But in each of these situations I felt the need to perform well; in doing so, the contrary occurred. Tell somebody to ‘not look down’ and the opposite is true. The ReScen project speaks of the performers ability to revert back to craft when creating. An ability to work in chaos, but having ‘craft’ to ground the work in. I am conscious that my craft is not polished yet, and by trying to portray it as such instead shows its weaknesses. This paradox lives in the Psyche, my craft in my embodied self. The only way to stop smoking is to think about smoking….

Today in the workshop I was bad. I did things in halves, meeting half way. I neither collapsed on the floor as my chair is being pulled away, nor did I stop myself from falling. I did an odd bum shuffle. It was as if everything I had learnt I had forgotten. Look to the audience, still point. “Who are you? I don’t know who you are so I do not care about you?” “How do they do this” “I don’t know that’s there problem?!” Who are we and where are we, two obvious yet fundamental questions that pop up in actor training all the time.

I need to do to understand, I need to do to remember I need to do and fail to find what I know and what I don’t. I am a child that forgets and tries to pretend I don’t. I need to revel in this failure! What have I done badly today? I missed the urinal and some landed on my leg. I was late for my RMO meeting. I smoked too much. I misjudged somebody. I tripped down the stairs. I ate with my mouth open. I have a bit of BO. Perhaps this is the ideal material to start creating with, something that you know is not perfect?